If you know the "best" 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, you have a better chance of saving your marriage from betrayal.
Do You Know The 10 Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse?
You asked yourself these questions, right?
How could he do this to me?
Is she prettier than me?
Is she a better lover than me?
When you first discovered your spouse had been unfaithful, you were bewildered.
You couldn’t believe it was true.
When the truth sunk in, you were enraged. You were ready to choke the life out of him.
When heartbreak replaced the shock and anger, your wounds demanded answers.
The questions rushed in and reduced you to ruins.
You were certain that if you only knew the answers you could make sense of it all and that would somehow soothe your sorrow.
But now you’re not so certain.
In fact, the uncertainty seems to be what’s driving you crazy.
You feel you must know all the details, as if knowing would help soften the blow.
But instead of reducing your anxiety, it creates more.
What will you do if she is prettier than you?
What will you do if she is a better lover than you?
What will you do if the answers to your questions thrust the knife deeper into your back?
I’m here to tell you that no matter how hard you work to be prettier, no matter how many different techniques you try to be a better lover, none of it matters.
You’re asking the wrong questions.
You’re asking questions about you, and you are not the problem.
If your spouse is cheating on you, he’s the problem.
And if you want to get to the root of the problem, here’s 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
How your spouse answers these questions can help you determine what your next step should be.
Question #1 - When Did You First Start Thinking Lustfully Toward Others?
Whether it was adultery, an emotional affair, virtual infidelity or pornography, it’s important to establish how long your spouse has been involved in this sin.
Sinful patterns left unchecked can become lifelong habits.
Habits are powerful and become like second nature, making them far more difficult to notice and harder to break.
But knowing when they started will be helpful in understanding the problem.
Question #2 - What Motivated You To Be Unfaithful?
People’s motives drive their behavior.
Does your spouse have thought patterns that lead to rituals?
Is he seeking to pass time to escape boredom?
Is he seeking relief from anger or stress?
Is he seeking sexual gratification to comfort rejection or sadness?
It’s important to help your spouse identify the triggers that caused him to seek relief or rewards.
Question #3 - What Were You Hoping To Gain Through This?
This is related to the last question.
Sometimes the bottom line answer to this question will be “sexual gratification” but that would only lead to the question, “Why didn’t you come to me for that?”
There is usually a deeper motive, such as wanting to fulfill the desire for the forbidden, or the adrenaline rush of doing something risky.
This might require you asking, “Why?” after each answer.
Keep drilling down until your spouse can identify his motive.
Question #4 - Did You Consider How It Would Affect Others?
Sadly, most people who are unfaithful do not consider how their actions negatively affect others, they are only concerned with the benefit they hope to gain for themselves.
If your spouse says yes, he thought about it, ask him to go into detail.
How did you think it would affect me and the children?
If he can genuinely answer that he did consider others, ask why he chose to do it anyway.
Many people have no idea how deeply they hurt their spouse and you need to help him understand by explaining how you feel and how the consequences of his sin will affect others besides you.
Question #5 - Did You Consider What God Says About It?
This question is designed to get him to see the first wrong step in his actions.
People sin when they fail to worship God by ignoring and disobeying His Word.
And the more they do that, the more they harden their own conscience.
Which makes it easier to continue sinning rather than stopping.
Question #6 - What Lie Did You Believe To Justify It?
Beliefs affect behavior.
In order to disregard God’s word about sin, your spouse deceived himself to justify his behavior.
He may blame you for not meeting his needs, or minimize it by saying it didn’t hurt anyone else.
He may think he was entitled to something and disappointed God didn’t provide it.
Question #7 - What Lies Have You Told To Cover Your Sin?
This is the point where he’ll either confess or just start lying more.
Deception is powerful and some people have lied for so long they don’t know how to stop.
Whatever claims he makes, ask for examples.
Ask for actual instances such as what situation happened and when, and how he lied to cover it.
Not the details about what he did, but the occurrence, like “watching porn on the Saturdays you took the kids to soccer and claiming I had to go to the office” or “having a one night stand that weekend in August when you took the kids to the grandparent’s house and I said I felt like I was coming down with the flu.”
Do you recall that situation the same way, or do you think he’s making it up?
Keep asking for more examples, looking for evidence to prove he is actually telling the truth now.
Question #8 - Are You Still Committing This Sin?
The last question was the turning point to see if your spouse is going to come clean all the way.
This question should make him even more uncomfortable if he’s still being unfaithful.
Ask him to tell you when was the last time he was unfaithful.
He might be vague, maybe say he doesn’t remember exactly or it’s been a while.
That’s a clue he might still be doing it.
Ask again, saying you’ll give him a few minutes to think through the recent past and trace his steps to the last time he did it.
Don’t let him off the hook too easily.
If he says no, he’s not still being unfaithful, ask if he’s lying to you now.
Ask him for reasons why you should believe him now.
Question #9 - How Has This Sin Affected Your Relationship With God?
Unfortunately, this may be the hardest question for him to answer honestly.
Sin separates man from God and as he continues in it, his heart grows cold towards God, making that separation even wider.
But this is where you have the most opportunity to help him.
If he’s a true child of God, his sin against God should disturb him even more than knowing how much he’s hurt you.
Question #10 - Are You Committed To Do Whatever God Requires To Repent Of This Sin And Pursue Righteousness Instead?
This is the one thing you should pray for, that God would grant repentance to your unfaithful spouse.
People can be sorry for getting caught and the bad circumstances they are in because of their sin, but that is not the same as being sorry for their sin.
There’s worldly sorrow over circumstances, but it has no power to change your spouse.
In contrast, there’s godly sorrow that leads to genuine repentance.
This is Spirit-filled sorrow that supplies grace that empowers change.
But it’s not magic - your spouse must put in effort and cooperate with God for true transformation to take place.
It's Time For The 10 RIGHT Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
As a betrayed wife, you didn’t know the motives in your spouse’s heart that led him to be unfaithful.
And until now, you were probably asking all the wrong questions.
But now you know the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse and how they can be powerful tools to expose his sinful motives.
If you will view these questions as opportunities to help your spouse take responsibility for his sin, he is more likely to turn to God for help.
If you will use these questions to get to the root of the problem with the goal of finding a solution, you will have a greater chance for reconciliation.
But if you are not willing to ask your unfaithful spouse these questions, at least stop asking yourself questions that point the blame towards you.
The right questions to ask are the ones that reveal motives of the heart.
It’s true that marital unfaithfulness is one of the most gut wrenching trials you can ever face.
Betrayal within the most intimate earthly relationship creates trauma in your body, mind and spirit.
But it can also be the springboard to grow your faith and strengthen your marriage to make it something far better than it was before.
But only if you and your spouse will face the difficult challenge of answering the questions that dig deep into the motives of your hearts.
I have one question for you…
How are you going to respond to your unfaithful spouse?